I’ve been thinking a lot about sex. And, rightly so! As a virgin who’s been graced by God to have waited till marriage, I have so many thoughts rolling around in my head. What’s it gonna be like?? What’s my husband gonna look like all naked? Will intercourse hurt? What lingerie to wear?
It seems as though the topic is at the forefront of my thoughts. Going from living life as a single woman, an only child, and someone who’s pretty used to being at home, to being someone intimately connected to another is a big jump. So, I’m grateful for this season of quarantine with my beloved, because it’s been like an on-boarding ramp to prepare us for life with one another 24–7.
Let me be honest, fear & anxiety are the two emotions I feel the most right now.
I am SO discontent just being at home.
I stay up at night to help Suzanne, our live-in nurse, help my grandmother on and off the toilet. My grandma’s dementia has deteriorated even more over the 2 short months of quarantine. In the morning, I wake up early to Clover, the family dog, barking. Within the last month, this elderly dog seems to be going through a sort of doggy dementia herself — turning into a puppy again — barking incessantly whenever she’s separated from my mom.
I try to help out with my grandma & Clover as much as possible to take some burden off my mom. Staying up late (going to bed & 1a sometimes) and waking up early (around 5:30a this week it seems) due to situations outside of my control is…tough. Especially on top of work and school.
In his absence, I realize how much easier having Theo here made everything. He served my family as if it were his own and I’ll be forever grateful for that. ❤
The HW assignment from our last premarital counseling session was to grieve. Isn’t that strange? To grieve as we enter this new joyous stage of life? The assignment specifically was to grieve the fact that for the rest of our lives on earth, however long or short they may be, we will only have each other as options. I’ll still be excited to meet new people, but meeting new men will forever be a different experience for me.
Wrapped up in grieving this death is rejoicing in the birth of the most intimate relationship one can have with another human being. In this life, I’ll never know another man besides Jesus to the same depth that I’ll know Theo. To know him in good times and bad times, in easy and hard times. His chocolatey brown, chiseled, body will be the only male body I’ll experience in full for the rest of my life (even when it becomes not that chiseled anymore I’m still looking forward to it ahaha).
I’d be lying if I didn’t say part of the reason why I’ve been thinking so much about sex is to escape. I know we have less than a month to go but every day has been feeling like an eternity. Now, I don’t want to idolize living with Theo in the near future. Work & school will still be a thing, and even though I’ll have a bit more control over my time, I’m sure other problems will pop up to replace my current ones lol.
As Theo & I have been pondering & researching sex together, interesting recommendations have been popping up in my YouTube suggestions. Mini documentaries about sex-trafficking, 10 tips to negotiate with your sugar daddy, and how to give a lap dance to drive your man wild, are just a snapshot of the stuff I’ve been clicking on.
And so, to prepare for my first time, I’ve been parading around in lingerie & taking photos of myself just to, ya know, get used to myself in stuff like that.
Last night, I realized that even after all the research I’ve been doing:
~all the Christian sex blogs I’ve been reading (https://intimacyinmarriage.com/resources/blogs-and-websites/)
~the book Theo and I have been reading together (Intended for Pleasure)
~and the ways in which our pastor & his wife have talked about it with us
There was something big I wasn’t quite understanding about sex. There was something I didn’t know that Satan seemed to. And that is this: Sex is a powerful spiritual act. Satan wouldn’t have spent so much time & effort distorting it in our broken world if it was a “meh” aspect of creation.
So many different spirits can be attached to sex. The spirit of coercion, the spirit of deception, the spirit of objectification, the spirit of shame, the spirit of performance, etc. This is why so many of us believe sex is an inherently dirty act.
But, God says in his word that sex is supposed to embody the spirit of unity through intimacy. (reference scripture having to do with how sexual sin is a sin against one’s own body, uniting with prostitutes, etc.)
However, we in our fallen humanness have remade sex to be everything but that. Sex is convenient, sex is transactional, and sex is pursued unhinged from God’s design for lifelong marital intimacy.
I realized this morning that I’ve been preparing for sex all wrong.
Ok yes, seeing myself in lingerie is great and stuff I guess, but I haven’t been meditating enough on the spiritual weight of sex. It is such a privilege to enjoy married sex. Satan would rather have me just focus on the physical aspect rather than spend time renewing my mind and turning away from the overemphasis of “The Wedding Night” in Christian culture.
The most important thing I’ve learned from all this research is that women need to focus to have an orgasam. Because sex is more emotional for women, that fear & anxiety I mentioned earlier??? Yeah that stuff won’t just disappear on June 12th. Especially since I’ll still be going to class in the evenings during our week-long honeymoon staycation, I have to learn to authentically cultivate that gentle and quiet spirit from Psalm 31 and bring that into our sex life. I have to practice being present & truly seeking God for my peace from now not only because that will have a tremendous effect on something as intimate as sex, but also because staying connected to Christ affects my entire life. It affects the lens I filter life through on a daily basis.
I know, experiencing God’s peace happens when I spend consistent time with the Lord. I’ve neglected that lately and I see how I’m going to shambles, as I always do. There is SO much happening all at once! Packing up to move to a different state, keeping my grades up, performing well at work, and still tryna have friends & do music stuff all while keeping the trinity first & myself+Theo 2nd. It’s a nearly impossible job.
So, in this season, I’ll remember my God is Jesus rather than sleep, and ask the Holy Spirit to keep me present & continue to reveal Himself through my family & my dog.
Pray for me to be still and embrace this time because I can’t get it back.
